Dundee United Jokes

Jokes with a Dundee United flavour…
(Please don’t take offence; it’s just a bit of fun)

Why are Dundee United goalkeepers like Vampirers?
Because they seem to be afraid of crosses

How many Dundee United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight,

1 to change it,
5 to moan about it & subsequently form a fan pressure group (and)
2 to complain that if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out!

What did ET get for christmas?
A Davie Dodds watch.

One day Tom Thumb, Snow White, and Quasimodo are sitting around talking. All of the sudden Tom Thumb says,

“You know, how do I know I’m the world’s smallest man? Maybe I’m NOT the world’s smallest man” and then he got very depressed.

Then Snow White says, “How do I know I’m the most beautiful woman in the world? Perhaps there is someone more beautiful than me!” and then she got very depressed.

Quasimodo then said, “How do I know I’m the world’s ugliest person? Maybe there is someone uglier than me!” and he, too, sank into depression.

One week later the three were all killed in a car crash. While in Heaven’s waiting room, they were all entitled to a private conference with God, who would answer for them one question.

After Tom Thumb’s conference, he came out smiling and said, “It’s all right, I am the world’s smallest man”.

Snow White left God’s chamber smiling also, “It’s ok,” she said, “I am the fairest of them all”.

Quasimodo came out of his conference scratching his head. He looked at the others and asked,

“Who the hell is Davie Dodds?”

A United fan and a Dundee fan get into a car accident, and it’s a bad one. Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the United fan says, “So you’re a Dundee fan, that’s interesting. I’m a United fan… Wow! Just look at our cars, there’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The Dundee fan replied,” I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!”

The United fan continued, “And look at this – here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then he hands the bottle to the Dundee fan. The Dundee fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the United fan.

The United fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Dundee fan.

The Dundee fan asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The United fan replies, “No. I think I will just wait for the police to turn up…”

An Arab was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada.

He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.

“Who’s he?” says the Arab.

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.”

So the Arab goes over, and thinking he won’t know about Scottish football, asks

“Who won the Scottish Premier League in 1983 ?”.

“Dundee United” replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat on the final day?”

“Dundee” was the reply.

“And the score?”

“2-1”

“Who scored the opening goal?”

“Ralphie Milne” was the old man’s reply.

The Arab was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. 15 years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man.

Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the Arab decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue.

He approached him with the greeting “How”. The Memory man replied…..
“He chipped Kelly from 30 yards”